


Burnout

by ILovePortal



Series: Burnout [2]
Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Hurt, Platonic Relationships, Trauma, i guess, red crackle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28865655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILovePortal/pseuds/ILovePortal
Summary: In which Carmen is tired and guilty.
Relationships: Gray | Crackle/Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep
Series: Burnout [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202636
Comments: 6
Kudos: 162





	1. You gave me a necklace of a bird

Now, Carmen didn’t have many good memories of VILE. Well, that’s not necessarily true. 

She wasn’t sure if she hated her childhood. Yes, it could’ve been a whole lot better, but she had some bright spots. The joy of mischief and friendship. Throwing water balloons at Cookie Booker. Chatting for hours with Player. Teasing Gray. Yes, she hated VILE. But she tried not to think about what her life would have been without it.

As a kid, running around, getting into trouble, everything on VILE Island seemed to match the level of innocence inside herself. As she grew up, all her memories were tainted by innocence lost. Not only was everyone she grew up with were okay with murder, but it was also very likely many of them were murderers. All her memories of playing with the other recruits suddenly didn’t seem so innocent.

Well, Carmen guessed that she wasn’t so innocent anymore. She tried to kill someone. She tried to kill Gray. It was a stroke of luck and cleverness on Gray’s behalf that allowed her to keep the veneer of innocence.

She stared at the face of her failure, sitting here in a pastel hospital room. Gray breathed even and deep, unconscious. 

She was tired. She was really, really tired. She was slouched in her chair, head down, too ashamed to look at Gray for more than a brief moment. She rested her elbows against her knees and collapsed her hands together. She was so tired.

Her phone chimed and rang, and Carmen let it ring out into the silent room for a moment before answering, “Hey Red.”

“Hey Player.”

“Just wanted to check up on you.”

“I’m doing fine.” She stopped for a moment, trying to find something to say.

Player seized on the opportunity, “Fine? Really?”

When it came down to it, Player was her oldest and best friend for a reason. He could see right through her. “No. Not really,” Carmen admitted. “I’m just so tired, Player.” She allowed her weariness seep into her voice. 

“You should take a break. You really need the rest.”

That was true. She was covered in scrapes and bruises and she was mildly sore all over, but she couldn’t rest. Not right now. “I’ll be alright, Player. It can wait.”

She could tell he didn’t approve, but she couldn’t take a break right now. She wouldn’t let herself. “Alright, Red. Just promise me you will soon.”

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Alright, I’ll check in later. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Her attention was drawn back to the silent hospital room with the weight of her failure.


	2. It's the regret that makes me worse yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shadowsan comforts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the last chapter is from Crywank's It Was A Swift, Not A Swallow. It kinda reflects Carmen's guilt. If you understood the reference, I love you, lol.

Player was not dumb. He knew that Carmen wouldn’t let herself rest anytime soon. He also knew that there was no way he could talk her into taking a break.

After hanging up on Carmen, he turned to the one person Carmen might listen to.

“Hello?”

“Shadowsan. I’m worried about Carmen.”

* * *

She found it hard to look at Gray’s face. The bruise on his cheekbone accompanied by her memories of VILE training with Gray drowned her with guilt until she had to look away to catch her breath.

She found it much easier to stare at his hands. She would examine his calloused and scarred hand and wonder where he got them. Electrician work or VILE? In her bad moments, she would press her fingers against the inside of his wrist just to feel his pulse and remind herself that he was alive.

After feeling his pulse for a moment, she withdrew back into herself. She pulled her knees up to her chest and stared at Gray’s hands, allowing her thoughts to fill the silence of the room.

That’s more or less where Shadowsan found her. He handed her a water bottle and a bag of chips. Before taking the seat next to her.

“Thanks,” Carmen opened the bottle and took a greedy sip. “Where did you get this?”

“There’s a vending machine down the hall.”

“Ah, I see.” She said, opening the bag of chips and eating. They sat in silence while Carmen ate.

After finishing her food and throwing it away, Carmen came back to her seat. She leaned her head against Shadowsan’s shoulder.

“You should rest,” Shadowsan stated.

Carmen shook her head. She felt spectacularly like a child as she tried not to cry. “No, can’t.”

“Do you want to stay here?”

She nodded again, raising a hand to wipe away a tear she couldn’t hold back.

“Sleep. I’ll wake you if anything happens.”

She hesitated before nodding again.

And all was silent until Carmen’s breathing turned as deep and even as Gray’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short one, lol. Some classic Dadowsan (Dad Shadowsan). This chapter title is also from a song. See if you can guess it. In other news, I finished writing chapter 4 today, so that's fun.
> 
> Welp, see ya Tuesday for the next chapter.


	3. I'm Practically Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which conversations are had and avoided

‘It was too bright’ Even with his eyes closed, that was Gray’s first thought when he started to come to. He screwed his eyes up tight, groaning, before opening them, staring at the roof and sterile hospital lights. He blinked and sat up, rubbing his palms against his eyes.

“Crikey.” He groaned, quiet and low in his throat.

“Mr. Calloway.” Came a voice from his left.

“Crikey!” Gray jumped and turned to the voice. “Shadowsan?” The former VILE faculty was seated against the wall, dressed in casual attire.

“Indeed.”

“Wh-where’s Carmen? Is-”

Shadowsan raised a hand to silence him. “Carmen is alright. She isn’t here at the moment.”

“Oh. Uh-”

“I can get her if you would like.”

“Uh, does she even want to see me?”

“Yes, she does.”

He nodded; he didn’t really have much to say to that.

Shadowsan stood and strolled out of the room and Gray was left, alone, in the hospital room.

* * *

Earlier that morning, Carmen had awoken to Shadowsan telling her that Chief had come to visit. She blinked her sleep away and went to go speak to her in the hall. She wanted to keep ACME and Gray as far apart as she could. She didn’t want him to get mixed up in all that.

“Chief.”

“Carmen Sandiego.”

Despite haven slept, Carmen still felt really tired. She didn’t bother trying to think of anything to say, so she just waited for Chief to speak.

“How are you, Sandiego?”

Whatever Carmen was expecting Chief to say, that wasn’t it and she was slightly taken aback by the sincerity of it. “I’m fine,” Carmen assured.

Chief flicked her eyes over Carmen’s disheveled appearance. “And Mr. Calloway?”

Carmen tore her gaze away from Chief and couldn’t bring herself to look Chief in the eyes. She stared at Chief’s shoes before stating, “He’ll be fine.”

“Good.” Chief was silent for a moment, before she continued, her voice dropping her usual professional edge and taking on a more vulnerable one. “About Dext-”

Carmen simultaneously wanted to end the conversation right then and there and to hear her out. She was saved by Shadowsan entering. “Carmen.”

“Yes?”

“He’s awake.”

“That’s good,” she said limply, nodding her head.

“He wants to talk to you.”

Her eyes widened, she didn’t really expect that. She rushed into the hospital room, brain buzzing and preparing itself for any possibility.

“Graham?”

“Hey, Carmen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Gray woke up! The song from the last chapter was from Crywank's Only Everyone Can Judge Me.


	4. Would it be cruel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which people talk

“Hmm. I don’t think we’ve ever formally met.” Chief stated.

“No. We haven’t.” Shadowsan said cooly.

“I take it you are no longer with VILE.”

“No, not anymore.”

“You’re with Carmen, I take it.”

“Yes.”

“I have a message to pass on to Mr. Calloway.”

“Oh?”

“Tell him he is no longer of ACME interest. His chip is fried, he’s free to go.”

Shadowsan nodded.

“Tell me. Were you the one who stole the files on Carmen’s mother?”

“Yes. It was necessary.”

“Oh?”

Shadowsan looked down for a moment. “I was there that day with Dexter Wolfe. I was the one who set the fire. And I was the one to take Carmen to VILE island.”

She looked away.

Shadowsan continued, “She deserves to have a family. A real family.”

Chief finally spoke, “Tell her I’m sorry.”

Shadowsan knew, as she turned to leave, that she meant it.

* * *

Carmen stood by the foot of the hospital bed, her hands gripping the bed frame with an iron grip. “Gray, I’m so sorry,” she began.

“No. No, Carmen. I’m sorry.”

“What?” She couldn’t think of anything that he should be guilty of.

“Carmen. I’m sorry I went along with VILE. I should have done something. I should’ve stopped them.”

“But, Gray, that wasn’t your fault,” Carmen stated softly as she moved to take a seat by the bed. She took his hand in her own and whispered, “I almost killed you.” She bowed her head and squeezed his hand.

“Carmen. That wasn’t your fault. That was VILE’s fault.”

She disagreed with that. If she didn’t allow herself to get caught, it never would have happened. If she was stronger, faster, better. It was her fault. Her eyes itched and blurred with tears. She shook her head slightly but dropped it.

After a long moment where they drank in each other’s company. “I really am sorry, Gray.” She said, staring at their collapsed hands.

“Carmen,” he pressed a hand on her cheek and Carmen leaned into his hand, “I’ve already forgiven you.” And Carmen tried her best not to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the last chapter came from Thomas Saunders Gang Chant by Crywank. The title of this chapter came from GB Eating GB While Listening to GB by, you guessed it, Crywank. I listened to it, and it really summarizes Carmen and Gray's relationship.


	5. Working my way around this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which people are forgiven and wanted

“So,” She said, looking up and using her free hand to wipe away her tears. “What’s your plan?”

“Don’t know. Haven’t thought that far. What’s yours?”

“Haven’t thought that far either.” She half-laughed. “VILE’s out of the equation. I’m sure you could use one of their old safe-houses.”

“No. I don’t really want-” He paused while he collected his thoughts. “I don’t want anything to do with VILE anymore.” She nodded and understood that sentiment. “At any rate-” Gray interrupted her thoughts. “I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be arrested.”

“Yeah, I’m not letting that happen.”

“That will not be necessary.” Came a voice.

“Shadowsan?” Carmen asked, curious as to what he meant while Gray yelped a quiet “Crikey!”

“ACME is letting you go, Mr. Calloway.”

“So, I’m not gonna be arrested?”

While Shadowsan nodded, Carmen said, “So, you’re free. Are you going back to Australia?”

“Don’t know. I’m not-” Gray paused for a moment. “I don’t think I’m Graham Calloway anymore. I wouldn’t know how to go back to that.”

Carmen didn’t have any advice to give. She didn’t know how to stop being Carmen Sandiego, super thief. 

“Well, I’m probably gonna lay low for a while.”

They all sat in awkward silence until Shadowsan excused himself. A moment after Shadowsan left, Gray spoke up again.

“Carmen,” his voice was hardened by his seriousness. “Do you want me in your life?”

“Of course.” Carmen was taken back by the bluntness and sincerity of the question, but she knew it was fair. “Do you want me in yours?” She looked down at her shoes as she asked, shutting her eyes and tensing her shoulders as she prepared for the worst-case scenario.

“Carmen,” his hand closed around hers. “I want to be in your life.”

Carmen smiled.

“Well,” Gray started. “At any rate, I gotta get out of this hospital before I can do anything.”

“Oh, right. We should probably go find a doctor or something.” Carmen perked up, annoyed at herself for forgetting to do something so basic.

“Yeah, probably,” Gray laughed as Carmen went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, I meant to upload this earlier, but Uni, ya know? I'm working on chapter 10 right now, lol. The song of the chapter is Now I'm Sad (Boo Hoo) by Crywank.


	6. Unsure and false promises I make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Carmen is unsure.

“Carmen,”

“Shadowsan,” Carmen greeted. “Have you seen a doctor around?”

“The nurse’s station is over there.” Shadowsan gestured down the hall, following her down the hall.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, we should probably notify someone about Gray.”

Shadowsan nodded, not exactly what he was asking, as Carmen’s phone began to ring.

“Player,” Carmen answered, not breaking her stride.

“Red.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. Just checking in.”

Carmen sighed. “Gray’s awake.”

“That’s good news.”

“Yeah. We’re getting a doctor.” Carmen replied, coming to the stop at the nurse’s station while Shadowsan spoke to the nurse.

“You good?”

“Will be.”

“Have you taken a break yet?”

“No, not yet. I should, just haven’t gotten there yet.” She half-laughed, half-sighed. 

There was a moment of silence before, “Just take care of yourself, Red.”

Carmen smiled tiredly, “Yeah, I will, Player. How are Zack and Ivy?”

“They’re waiting at home base. I think they’re still working on Lydia.”

“How’s that going?”

“Pretty good. They’ve done a lot of work while you were-uh-um” Player trailed off, not really wanting to talk about...that.

Again, suddenly drowning in guilt, looked for something else to say to avoid that whole topic, but all she could say was a tired “Yeah.” A pause. “Well, I’ve got to go, Player. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay,” came Player, voice tinged with uncertainty. “See you later.”

Carmen tucked her phone away into her pocket and leaned against the wall while a doctor went to check up on Gray.

“Carmen,” prodded Shadowsan.

“I know,” she said. She leaned into him for a hug. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song of the chapter is Leech Boy by (drumroll please) Crywank. Believe it or not, Crywank isn't my favorite band (it's probably AJJ) but, at this point, I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.


	7. Who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Carmen learns some new information.

Carmen leaned against the wall, arms wrapped around herself as she tried to organize her thoughts.

“My entire life, everything...” She started, then stopped. “My entire life was VILE. First, I was raised there. Then, I dedicated everything to defeating them.” She paused, “I don’t know who I am without VILE.”

“That is for you to decide. It is your life. While VILE is mostly defeated, a few VILE operatives are still loose.” Shadowsan paused for a moment. “Chief found your mother.”

“What?”

“Carlotta Valdez, a civilian. She opened an orphanage in Buenos Aires, perhaps in order to find you.”

“My mother,” Carmen repeated simply as if she couldn’t believe it. She wanted to see her. She needed to see her. She had a family. A real family.

She looked around her, to Shadowsan. Really, her father in all ways that mattered. She looked down at her phone. Player, Zack, and Ivy were her family too. She remembered Gray in the other room. She had family and responsibilities to take care of, especially if there were still VILE operatives loose. 

But she still wanted to see her mother.

“Buenos Aires?” She asked.

“Yes. Should I have Player book a plane?”

Carmen sighed and hesitated. “Not yet. I have responsibilities I need to take care of.” 

As she finished her sentence, the doctor exited the hospital room. Carmen asked, “Will he be okay?”

“Yes, he should be.” The doctor stopped and crossed her arms. “Mind explaining exactly what happened to him?”

“Electrician accident,” Carmen said smoothly.

The doctor eyed her haggard clothes and bruises, raising an eyebrow, to which Carmen said nothing. The doctor shrugged and walked away.

As the doctor walked away, Carmen said to Shadowsan, “How likely is she to call the police.”

“Fairly likely.”

Carmen walked into Gray’s room, “Better make this quick then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, I know. I was supposed to post yesterday. Pretty much, Tuesdays are becoming very busy for me, so I think I'm going to change my upload schedule to Mondays and Wednesdays. You know what that means? Double upload today. Stay posted, I'm going to post the second chapter later today. The title is in reference to an AJJ song of the same name.


	8. Fifteen notes, fifteen notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which plans are made.

"Hey, Gray."

"Carmen."

"What'd the doctor say?"

"They wanna keep me for observation overnight. Other than that, I'm fine."

"Okay. Good. So, we think the doctor is going to call the police, so it'd be best if we left before they arrive."

"What'd you say?"

"We don't think she bought the whole electrician accident thing." She paused.

Gray looked at her slightly bruised face. "Can't imagine why."

Carmen smiled for a moment before her face slid into a serious mask. "They found my mother."

"Your mother?"

Carmen nodded.

"Carmen! Crikey! That's great!" He sounded so happy for her that she couldn't help but smile as she glanced at the clock on the wall. "Are you leaving?" Gray asked.

"We are. We gotta leave before the police show up." She started to the door. "Come on. You just got set free, you don't wanna get arrested again."

Gray seemed a bit surprised. He honestly expected her to leave him again. He considered saying something but decided not to. "Carmen. All I have is a hospital gown."

Carmen stopped at that. She hadn't considered that. "Well, guess we gotta go get your clothes then."

She slipped out the door and started to slink down the halls when Shadowsan appeared holding a basket of Gray's personal effects. "Good thinking."

Shadowsan nodded. "I'll get the car ready. I'll meet you outside in 10."

Carmen nodded, taking the basket, as Shadowsan disappeared down the hall. She shoved into Gray's room and placed the basket on the food of the bed. "Get dressed. We've got 10 minutes to meet Shadowsan outside," she explained quickly.

Carmen headed back out to the hallway, waiting outside to give Gray some privacy. A minute or two later, Gray stumbled out of the room, still putting on his shoes. He seemed uncomfortable, wearing his VILE uniform. Carmen could relate. She was in no hurry to put her red coat back on after her stint with VILE.

Carmen nodded and they slunk down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, cool. So, the chapter title is from Sorry Bro by AJJ. It isn't a great choice, but I needed a title and I couldn't think of any other songs that could possibly go with this chapter. Welp, time for announcements.
> 
> 2 things:
> 
> 1\. Just a reminder, I'm changing the upload schedule from Tuesdays and Thursdays to Mondays and Wednesdays. Cool? Cool.
> 
> 2\. I had some writer's blocks while writing yesterday (I just finished writing chapter 16, woo.) and I wrote a one-shot prequel to Burnout. I think I'll release it when I'm done with Burnout. But, that's something to look forward to.
> 
> Anyway, see ya Monday.


	9. I need a getaway car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they get away.

Really, it was surprisingly easy to sneak out of the hospital.

It was starting to get late and visiting hours had just ended, meaning there weren't many people in the halls. This came with some downsides. They couldn't just blend into the crowd, as Carmen typically preferred, and they had to be a lot more careful to walk silently, as to not attract attention. On the other hand, there weren't a lot of nurses or doctors around, probably taking care of patients. With any luck, Carmen and Gray would be long gone by the time they got around to checking on Gray.

Carmen was also careful to walk slowly, for Gray's sake. He walked slowly at first, trying to get used to his feet after being in a hospital bed for a while, but he quickly picked up speed.

They didn't say much as they snuck through the empty hallways. They didn't need to; they moved in silent unison, only making small hand signals to each other.

Arriving at the elevator, Carmen paused for a moment then gestured to the staircase, deciding that if they did take the elevator, they had a decent chance of running into another person. That was decidedly a risk Carmen didn't think worth taking. She did mean it when she said she didn't want Gray to get arrested again. She didn't want that for him. So staircase it is.

They managed to traverse the staircase without running into anyone. She got out on the second floor and signaled to Gray to follow. She knew that the staircase opened up into the front lobby and there was no way they could get through without being caught. She was also pretty sure the police were bound to arrive soon.

She found a window at the end of the hallway that opened up to the street and opened it, knocking the window screen out and watching it fall onto the lawn.

"Are we jumping out?" Gray whispered beside her.

Carmen shook her head, regretting that she didn't bring all her tools. It looked about 14 feet to the ground. "No, too far to jump safely. We're gonna have to climb."

"Climb?" He looked out the window. "You sure? Not sure that's a good idea."

"I can climb down the drainpipe." She started to step out the window. "I can carry you." The window ledge was thin and rather precarious as she looked down.

She waited for Gray to wrap his arms around her shoulders before reaching out for the drainpipe. She grabbed it with both hands and got used to the feel of it before stepping out and beginning to lower herself down the pipe. "Hold on, spider monkey," she mumbled to Gray.

By the time she was a safe distance from the floor, about 6 feet, she jumped off, landing as gracefully as she could with another person on her back.

She felt Gray let go of her and she looked around for Shadowsan's car. She looked at her phone, checking the time. There was still around a minute left. She turned to Gray and found him picking up the fallen screen and hiding it behind a bush.

She spotted Shadowsan's car around the corner. "Gray!" Carmen called, nodding her head to the car. Waiting for Gray to catch up to her, they walked to their getaway car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes. There is a Twilight reference in here. Let me know if you spot it. The title is from AJJ's Hate Rain on Me.


	10. How we learn to survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which plans are made

Once they got into the car, Carmen asked Shadowsan, “What’s the plan?”

“Would you like Player to get tickets to San Diego?”

“Wait, why San Diego?” Gray asked. “Also,” Gray continued, “I’ve never asked. Who’s Player?”

Shadowsan glanced at Carmen, waiting for her to respond.

“San Diego is where our home-base is.” Carmen continued, mostly to Shadowsan, “Though, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Shadowsan looked to Carmen before looking back at the road.

“I think…after VILE, that I should lay low, bounce around for a bit.”

Shadowsan looked at Carmen again and seemed for a moment like he was about to say something before glancing at Gray and decided against it. “I’ll have Player book us a hotel” was all he said.

“Uh,” Gray said, “what about dinner? I’m kinda sick of hospital food.”

“I could eat,” Carmen added.

“We’ll have dinner and then go to a hotel.” Shadowsan gave in.

Carmen turned and smiled at Gray.

* * *

They ended up having dinner at one of the few restaurants that was still open so late. It was a little diner-type place. The kind you see everywhere.

Shadowsan left Carmen and Gray to order while he made a call to Player.

“Hey Shadowsan,” came Player’s voice.

“Player,” Shadowsan greeted.

“What’s up?”

“Carmen doesn’t want to return to home-base.”

“She doesn’t? Is she planning to find her mom?”

“No. I don’t think she knows what to do with herself.”

“I kinda figured. And Gray?”

“Carmen brought him with us.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Shadowsan stated, “I don’t know her plan if she does have one.” He paused and sighed, “I’ll try to support her as much as I can. Whatever she decides to do.”

“Yeah, I’ll check up on her whenever I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from AJJ's Survival Song. In other news, I just finished writing chapter 20 and I have a fantastic idea for chapter 21. It's gonna be great.
> 
> Anyways, I've decided Player is my favorite character to write. Mostly because it's easy to write dialogue for him. Shadowsan is the hardest because he is simultaneously very stoic and caring and it's just plain hard to write his dialogue. Gray's not hard to write for, but I do have to keep in mind that he's Australian. Carmen is a little harder than Gray, but it's pretty alright.
> 
> So, yeah, see ya Monday.


	11. Meet me at the end of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gray and Carmen don't have a home (except for each other)

Carmen read the diner menu while Shadowsan made his call. Gray, apparently having already decided what he wanted to order, leaned back in the chair across from her and examined her casually. Carmen was vaguely reminded of their meeting on that train. 

“So, Carmen,” Gray asked. “What are you going to do?”

“Everybody wants to know.”

“Really,” Gray said. “What’s your plan?”

Half a dozen half-truths and evasive answers were on the tip of Carmen’s tongue, but she cast them aside. “Everyone asks me that. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do now.” She fiddled with the corners of the menu before continuing, “My whole life has surrounded VILE. I don’t know how to be anyone other than Black Sheep or Sandiego. Now that VILE’s gone, I just don’t know who I am supposed to be.”

After a moment of silence between them, Gray asked, “Do you regret it?”

“No,” Carmen answered assuredly. “No. I don’t.”

“What about your mom?”

“I want to see her, I just can’t-” She looked up at Gray, “I’m not ready. I just want more time. I’m tired. I want a break. But with VILE operatives in the wind, I can’t. I owe it to...everyone-”

“No,” Gray interrupted. “You don’t. You don’t owe anything to anyone. This isn’t your problem to solve. If you want to take a break, you can.”

Gray’s words sunk in slowly for Carmen. Some part of her, the part of her that demanded her guilt and shame, protested. A little voice said, No, you don’t get to rest. You don’t deserve that luxury. You nearly killed Gray. How could you even think you deserve that? But Gray had already forgiven her. And the logical part of her brain agreed with Gray. So she nodded her head and said nothing.

“I’m not tryin’ to talk you into something you don’t want to do. If you wanna hunt down VILE, then do it. I just don’t want you doing it because you feel you have to.”

“You’re right.” Carmen nodded again. “I know you’re right.”

“Of course I am. I’m always right,” Gray teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Carmen jokingly pushed his shoulder, laughing lightly. “What about you?” She asked, leaning over her arms which were crossed over the table.

“I haven’t thought that far. I don’t really wanna go back to Australia. I’ll probably, I don’t know, travel for a bit. Bounce here and there. I wanna see the world, I guess, without being there to steal something.”

“That’s not a bad idea.” 

“Thank you, I try my best,” Gray joked. “You could come with me if you want.” He continued, genuinely.

“Yeah,” Carmen smiled, ”I think I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for chapter 21 didn't end up working out. :/ It was just soooo long that it just didn't work. So it's gonna be a companion piece. I thinking of naming it Junkie Church inspired by the AJJ song of the same name. (It's a cute song, I like to listen to it while I write.) Speaking of music, the chapter title comes from Kimya Dawson's Hadlock Padlock. It's such a good song.


	12. Live like you mean it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a meal is shared

"So," Gray began. "What's the plan?"

"Hm, I'd need to go back to San Diego and pick up some stuff beforehand. I'd also have to talk to some people before we go. And I'd imagine that you'd need to pick up stuff from Australia. "

Gray nodded, "Sounds good." After a moment, "Where would you want to go first?"

"Hmm, how about Northern California? I really want to go to a beach." Carmen said after a pause.

"California? Sounds nice. Catching some waves, drinking the sun. Yeah, I'm in." Gray laughed.

"So, we'll probably go to Australia first, pick up some stuff, then get a flight back to San Diego and drive up to NorCal." She rested her chin on her fist, looking up at Gray, a smile in her eyes. "Would you want to come with me to San Diego? You'd get to meet my friends properly."

"Yeah, I think I would."

They were interrupted by Shadowsan returning and they all sat down to eat. Every time Carmen looked the other way, Gray would steal her chips. Shadowsan noticed, of course, because nothing went unnoticed by Shadowsan. Gray was pretty sure Carmen was stealing his chips back, though. He kept on noticing he was losing chips without eating them every time he didn't look right at them.

She caught him, eventually, and Gray put on his best smug smile as he took a bite from it. And before he knew it, she had one of his chips. She stuck her tongue out at him before taking a bite. Narrowing his eyes, he stuck his tongue back out at her and he was reminded of Black Sheep from VILE and he smiled at the memories.

He was also pretty sure he saw Shadowsan smile too, a bit, from the corner of his eye. But he excused the idea as impossible.

And for the length of that dinner, they could forget about VILE.

* * *

Carmen took Shadowsan aside after their meal, excusing them from the table with Gray, to tell him about her decision.

"I think I'm gonna travel." Carmen started.

"Where?" Shadowsan asked.

"Everywhere, I think."

"Very well," Shadowsan said. "When will you go?"

"Soon. I need to say goodbye to Zack and Ivy first. Maybe in a few days."

Shadowsan nodded. He knew he would be busy tying up loose ends with VILE but he was happy for her. She should get the chance to be a normal young adult. She certainly deserved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just finished two companion pieces to this fic, but I'm probably not going to post them 'till, like, chapter 20 or something. It just kinda works better like that. 
> 
> Anyways, the chapter title comes from Pat the Bunny's Anarchy of Dirt.


	13. That's the day I'll get a cellphone number

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which calls are made.

“Hey Player.”

“Hey Red,” came Player’s voice over the phone. “What’s up?”

“I think I’ve decided what I want to do.”

“Really?”

“I want to take a break from everything VILE-related,” Carmen said. “I want to travel. Well, travel without having to steal anything.”

Player laughed. “Well, good luck with that, Red. Do you need me to buy you a ticket?”

“Yeah, please, to Australia for a pit stop. And then one to San Diego.” 

“So, where are you planning on going?”

“I’m thinking NorCal. Bay-Area-ish. I want to go to a beach, I think.”

“Nice. Any place specific?”

“Not yet. We have time to decide.”

“We?”

“Oh, yeah. Me and Gray.”

She could almost hear Player consider saying something about that. “Well, if you want a recommendation, Santa Cruz is known for its beaches.” Was all he said.

“Santa Cruz? Sounds good. I’ll ask Gray if he’s up for it.” She paused. 

“Also, Red?”

“Yeah?”

“My parents want to send me back to public school?”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah,” Player agreed, “I guess. There won’t be any VILE missions you’ll need my help with, so I might as well. But even if I have to spend 6 hours a day at school, I expect you guys to keep in touch.”

“Of course, Player. I’ll send you some postcards,” she teased, and then because more serious, “My phone’s always open. Call whenever. I’ll promise I’ll keep in touch.” She continued “Also, Player, you’re really my best friend. Thanks for always having my back.”

“Of course, Red. I’ll be here if you need me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally cut a piece of my finger off. It hurts to type and play guitar. Shit sucks. Anyways, kinda late, but whatever. The lyric is from Pat the Bunny's We Are All Compost in Training.


	14. You told me all the things I needed to hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shadowsan and Carmen talk.

Carmen walked back into the diner and sat down next to Gray. "So, I've made some calls and I got us a flight to Australia."

"Really?"

"Well," Carmen shrugged with a laugh. "I got Player to get us a flight. He also got us some hotel rooms for the night."

"Well, tell Player," he paused to take a sip from his soda, "I said thank you."

"Sure thing," Carmen said.

"So when's our flight?"

She paused to check her phone, "It says tomorrow morning."

"Welp, we better get our rest."

* * *

The hotel room turned out to be the standard affair. A bed, kitchenette, bathroom, the works.

She tried to go to sleep, she really did. But she had a question that kept on buzzing around in her skull. Despite her better judgment, she ended up knocking on Shadowsan's door.

"Carmen," even though she almost certainly woke him up, he still seemed as put together as ever.

"Shadowsan. What are you going to be doing now that it's all over?"

She didn't need to say what 'it' was.

"I was thinking of going to Japan and reconnecting with my brother."

Carmen looked away and nodded.

"Carmen? If you need me to stay-"

She shook her head. "It-it's not that. It's just-I know I should want to reconnect with my mother, but...I don't know. I'm just not ready to." She looked up and met Shadowsan's eyes. "Does that make me a bad person?"

"No. It doesn't. You're in the middle of a change in your life. You should take some time for yourself. If you're not ready, then you're not ready."

She nodded and when she hugged him, he hugged her back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an idea for another one-shot that I'm going to get started on after I finish studying for today. In other news, finals are in two weeks and I've been spending 2 hours a day studying on top of my usual schoolwork, so that's real fun. 
> 
> Not really related to anything, but I headcanon Carmen as alloace. That is, someone who is asexual but still experiences romantic attraction. Yeah, just my headcanon. The chapter title comes from Junkie Church from AJJ, because I couldn't really think of anything better.


	15. Does the blank stare scare you more than the frown?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Carmen has some alone time

When she got back to her hotel room, Carmen laid in bed for a while, just thinking.

Sometimes, when she was alone, she would try to remember her time with VILE. It was all so confusing. Memories would overlap and contradict and she would try her best to pick through them until she got a headache too severe to ignore.

She couldn’t really remember what happened just after she was taken. She had vague impressions, like a carnival and Dr. Bellum’s laboratory, but they would slip away from her the moment she realized she had them. It was like trying to remember a childhood dream and it frustrated her.

She knew she could simply ask Gray to fill in some of the blanks, but it still felt like a sensitive subject and she didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, let alone Gray.

That was another thing she wasn’t ready for: her time with VILE. She wished she could forget it ever happened, but it still haunted her. And the fact that she didn’t remember much of it made it worse. Her mind filled in the blanks with the worst possible scenarios. 

Had she murdered someone? The question haunted her, mostly because she couldn’t prove or disprove any answer to it. She certainly tried. She tried to kill Shadowsan, she knew that much. And she also knew that she got damn close to killing Gray.

And she certainly hurt people. That haunted her too. 

It was one thing to know that she was capable of harm and evil, it was another to actually have done so.

There was a small part of her that still hissed at her, telling her that it was her own fault. It was easy to ignore most of the time, but when she had quiet moments to herself, like this one, it would scream and curse in her mind until she had to press a hand against her mouth to muffle her sobs and whimpers.

  
She didn’t realize she had fallen asleep until she had woken up. Not that she felt very well-rested. She decided to blame that on the fact she had fallen asleep very late, which, while not completely untrue, was not the whole reason. Truth be told, she hadn’t slept very well since VILE. In fact, it was one of her better nights. She did some quick math and found she had probably gotten around 4-ish hours of sleep, which was better than her recent average of 2 1/2 hours.

Despite the weary tiredness that sunk into her muscles and clung to her bones, she got up, out of bed, and got dressed. She dragged a brush through her hair until it was free of tangles and soft to the touch. She put on clean clothes (well, the cleanest clothes she had; she didn’t exactly have the time to do laundry recently). She brushed her teeth but found herself staring in the mirror.

While she thought no thoughts, her mind was full of a buzzing weariness and guilt. She jerked herself out of her stupor and splashed water into her face. She left and came back with her makeup bag.

She looked at her face in the mirror. She had deep, dark bags under her eyes and a bruise on her cheekbone that kind of matched Gray’s. She used her concealer to cover up the bags and bruise. 

The reason for covering up the bruise was obvious. She’d have a hard time getting through airport security if she looked like she just got out of a fight (which, to be fair, was not entirely untrue). She covered up her bags because she didn’t want her friends to worry about her. 

At this moment, she felt like she didn’t deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I realized, at one point, that every chapter I've written so far has depended on an interaction between characters, so I wrote a chapter where Carmen is just by herself.
> 
> Also, good news, everyone! I have three one-shots that I'm going to be posting this week. One on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. They are companion pieces to Burnout, but they can stand alone as their own stories. They all take place in the time when Carmen was with VILE.


	16. Instead of waking up, I want to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivy and Zack make their first appearance

She sipped her mediocre coffee mildly as she waited in the lobby for Gray to wake up. She wasn’t entirely awake herself and her mind was cloudy from sleepiness. Well, nothing coffee can’t fix, she told herself.

Taking advantage of the quiet room, she took the opportunity to make a call. 

“Carm?”

“Hey Zack, is Ivy with you?”

“Yeah, yeah. She’s over here.” 

Then came a muffled conversation. “Hey, Ivy! Come over here. It’s Carm.” Then came a rustling noise as Ivy took the phone from Zack. 

“Hey Carm,” said Ivy while Carmen smiled at her friends.

“Hey, Ivy. I need to talk to you both.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing serious. I’m going back to San Diego in a few days.” She looked up to see Gray walking out of his room. 

“I can’t wait to see you, Carm,” laughed Zack.

She smiled as she said, “Okay, I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you in a few days. Bye, Zack. Bye, Ivy.” 

“Bye, Carm,” came Zack and Ivy before she hung up. She put her phone back into her pocket as she looked up to Gray.

“Gray, finally awake.”

“Barely,” he said, stretching his arms as he stifled a yawn.

“There’s coffee over there,” she pointed to a little cafe across the street.

“‘S it any good?”

Carmen shrugged, “It’s alright.”

Gray shrugged back, walking to the door, saying “I’ll be back in a sec,” as he walked out. 

She looked to Shadowsan, who was making a call to his brother, in the corner of the room. 

She picked up her duffel bag that contained all her tools and Gray’s crackle rod in a hidden, x-ray proof compartment, just in case. Carmen finished her coffee as Gray came back and threw away her cup. She signaled to Shadowsan as they walked out to call a taxi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is taken from AJJ's I Wanna Rock Out in My Dreams. It was a random choice.
> 
> I know, I know. This is late. :/ I'm sorry. I meant to post this earlier, but between errands and studying for finals, I just didn't have the time. But, hey, by the time I'm writing this, it's only 10 minutes late, lol. If you're wondering why Zack and Ivy are only just making their first appearance, it's because I wasn't sure what to do with them, lol. I don't really have much of a plan set out, so I kinda play it by ear.
> 
> In other news, a second companion piece oneshot for Burnout is coming out tomorrow, assuming that my friend proofread it in time, lol. Also, thanks for the review left on Nobodies, it made me happy to see.
> 
> On a personal note, I have finals next week, so I may not post on Monday. (2/3 of my finals are due that day.) I have a few chapters stockpiled, but I don't know if I'll have the time to post, so I may do it on Tuesday or just have a double upload on Wednesday. If you can, wish me luck! I'm pretty nervous. I've been studying for 2 hours a day for the past week and a half, but I'm afraid it won't be enough, lol.


	17. Do you remember me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gray goes back home.

They managed to get through airport security with little trouble.

Carmen had put on enough makeup to cover the bruise on her face. Gray planned to use the electrical accident excuse if it came to it. Their weapons were stowed away in a duffel bag with a hidden compartment and had passed inspection. The flight was a standard affair.

Carmen felt a bit cheated, she thought it would've been harder. Not that Carmen was complaining. If she kept on complaining about things being too easy, when things get difficult, she'll be bound to wish she hadn't.

When they arrived at the Sydney Airport, Shadowsan went his separate way as he caught a flight to Japan. They didn't make a big deal out of the farewell, as neither of them were very emotionally expressive people. Carmen didn't admit it but it was kinda bittersweet to her. She had come to rely on Shadowsan, as one of the few people she felt she could be honest to about VILE, but still knew that it was for the best.

Gray and Carmen rented a car, under a false name, of course, and drove their way to Gray's small apartment.

Gray unlocked the door, pausing before he actually opened the door. "Okay," he warned, "In my defense, I haven't been able to clean in a while and I wasn't expecting company." He opened the door to reveal a messy apartment.

Carmen smiled as she looked around the living room. Everything about it felt so...him, from the electrician textbooks and manuals to the cannibalized electronics scattered on every surface available.

"Do you need help packing?" Carmen offered.

"Uhh, sure. I'll be right back." He said, walking to another room.

Carmen waited in the living room, examining the knick-knacks that were perched on the bookshelf. She smiled at the origami animal she found on the top shelf. It was a little sheep made of black paper. Gray reentered the room at that moment.

"Oh, yeah, that." He said, seeing her holding the sheep. "That was from back when I used to work at the opera house. I just kinda liked sheep, didn't really know why," he rubbed the back of his neck. "A residual memory, I guess."

"You remembered me?" Carmen asked, surprised. Well, she shouldn't be. The memory device wasn't quite finished when Dr. Bellum decided to use it against Gray. She sometimes had similar residual memories. She was also a little touched and she found it sweet that of all things Gray could've remembered, he remembered her.

Gray shrugged, "I guess." He seemed a bit flustered and Carmen smiled sweetly at him and Gray smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I am so burnt out. I just had finals for the quarter yesterday and I am so tired. Tomorrow, I start working again (I lost my last job to COVID), so no rest for the wicked, I guess. I haven't been sleeping well either, so I'm a little behind on this story, lol. Double upload today. Chapter title from Bad, Bad Things by AJJ, because it's the first thing I thought of.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Carmen sleeps

Gray came down the hall, placing a suitcase by the door, and Carmen noted that he had changed out of his VILE uniform. He had changed out of it as soon as he had access to other clothes.

"Really?" Carmen asked. "That's all you're bringing."

"Yeah," Gray answered. "Most of my stuff is replaceable, I don't mind leaving it behind."

Carmen paused and asked a question that had been bugging her, "So, VILE let you have a house?"

Gray shrugged, "No, not really. I did this under the table. I wanted to have a safety net in case, you know, Dr. Bellum."

Carmen nodded understandingly. She decided to change topics, "So, we finished pretty early. We have time for dinner. What do you want to do?"

"Dinner sounds good," Gray nodded. "Don't really wanna go out though. How about we eat here? I'll whip us up something good."

Carmen leaned against Gray's sofa and nodded, "Sounds good to me. Do you want help?"

"If you want," Gray started rifling through his pantry, "I'm not really planning on making anything that complicated. Mac and cheese sound good?"

"Sure," Carmen stopped leaning against the sofa, "I can make us something to drink, I suppose." She walked into the kitchen and glanced through the cabinets. "I'll make some iced tea." She explained as she put the kettle on the stove to heat up.

"Cool," Gray said as he looked at the macaroni box for directions before starting.

They both stood there as they made their dinner in comfortable company.

They ate as they watched TV and talked. They teased each other like they always used to. Gray asked, at one point, "What's the plan for tomorrow? I'm already done packing and everything else is taken care of."

Carmen considered this. She had anticipated that it would have taken more than a day to get everything settled, but Gray had everything in hand. They had some time to kill. "We could probably move the flight to tomorrow. Or we could hang around for a day. Sightseeing, maybe coffee." Carmen offered.

"Coffee," Gray repeated. "Sounds good to me." He seemed a little flustered, but he pulled himself together, "I could do some last-minute laundry since we have the time."

Carmen walked into Gray's bedroom. Carmen had offered to take the sofa, but Gray refused, taking the sofa for himself.

It was very Gray, comfortably so. And as Carmen wrapped herself in Gray's sheets, she was pleased to find that they smelled like him.

She slept comfortably for the first time in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Nobody Loves You Like Me by Jonathan Coulton because I was listening to it while naming this chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya, I'mma try to update every Monday and Wednesday, but I make no promises. 
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya wanna ask questions.
> 
> https://noangelborninhell.tumblr.com/


End file.
